Kapittel 30 - SISTE KAPITTEL

- into the light -

Soundtrack: Zbigniev Preisner - Enfer

It is the story of many, but it all begins and ends with one, and I know her 

Her name is Laura

Laura is the one

And I'll see you
And you'll see me
And I'll see you in the branchets that blows
In the threes
I'll see you in the threes
Under the sycamore threes

En ting som virkelig går opp for en når en reiser er dette: 
folk ser bare sin egen hverdag

Danger! Mines in Cambodia

Langt inne i natten hørte jeg mødrenes skrik

og skyggene ble pyramider, reist av barnelik

Om vi i glemsel går

I deres aske vi trår

Gud hvis du ennå ser

Det er ingen hverdag mer

(Gunvor Hofmo)




Syk blir man, av virkelighet

"Shopping fashion og friends! Detta e livet. Eg har vore på inspirasjonstur til New York og drukke sjampanje sammen med Brita og Charlotte som eg elska! Den nye kleskolleksjonen skal bli knall! Var bl.a på Moods of Norway visningen fredag, alltid morro! Hadde på meg ein kjole fra Karen by Simonsen i skinn som eg elska og armbånd fra Lara Bohinc (fra Secret Society, Briskeby).Elska når tung funka, når ting går smooth. Bruka Mascara fra Chanel Inimitable og gloPrecision eye pencill, også bruka eg renseprodukt fra REN. Nydelige saker! Fitting; inn, ut, opp ned, farge, snitt osv. Her skal eg få det akkurat som eg vil!"

(fra bloggen til Tone Damli Åberge)







" I 2013 er det helt ut å drikke amarone, eller å si "åh, jeg er så stappmett". Og hvis du legger en flintstek på grillen har du virkelig beveget deg langt ut av kulhetssfæren. (...) Jeg pleier å bestille grønnsaker fra Korea når jeg skal ha gjester. Alle veit jo at det er flaut å handle på kiwi."

En eller annen kul mat-viter til A magasinet i februar, i en artikkel om "hva som gir status i 2013"

Gud, hvis du ennå ser,
det er ingen hverdag mer

The mental image is always perfect. The way you feel, and the way I feel.

Jeg la ut på min lange reise jorda rundt med mange drømmer og håp. Noen bevisste, noen ubevisste. Jeg tror at å dra på denne turen er den beste avgjørelsen jeg har tatt i mitt liv. Selv om deler av målet var uklart, var jeg hele tida overbevist om at dette skulle gjøre meg lykkeligere. Jeg har på ingen måte vært ulykkelig før, men har gått med en sterk lengsel mot å forstå ting bedre. Kanskje alle gjør det på et eller annet nivå, men dette var iallefall min måte å prøve og få noen svar på. Jeg tror ikke det hadde vært mulig for meg å sitte i rike Norge og fundere meg ferdig på hvorfor menneskene er slemme mot hverandre



Neste prosjekt... KATT!
Noen som vil ha en hund?

Det skaper dessuten en sunn distanse til egne konflikter, det å reise. Man bør ikke bagatellisere alle små konflikter, men jeg tror det er viktig å skille mellom virkelige problemer og luksusproblemer i den forstand at man har lov å være misfornøyd, så lenge man ikke lar det få en vedvarende negativ innflytelse på livet. Jeg vil ikke sitte i det beste landet i verden og sutre. Hvis jeg skal være misfornøyd, hvem skal da være fornøyd? Who am I to be burning among everyone, when they all burn to be me... Jeg snakker ikke bare om de materielle godene i Norge, jeg snakker også om demokrati, gratis skolegang, godt helsetilbud, vårt etiske grunnlag og tusen andre ting som jeg har tenkt på. Jeg kan ikke forandre verden, men jeg kan forandre meg selv, og en av de enkleste tingene jeg kan gjøre er å være glad for hva jeg har. Selvfølgelig blir vi også skuffa og lei oss over ting som skjer. Det å miste noen man er glad i er like vondt om man er fattig eller rik. Det jeg egentlig snakker om tror jeg, er forventninger vi har til samfunnet og krav vi har til omgivelsene, og i hvilken utstrekning vi lar dette få en negativ innflytelse på livet vårt. Å ha lave krav trenger absolutt ikke hindre utvikling. Det handler om hvilket perspektiv man har på det livet man lever. For noen år siden bestemte jeg meg for en ting. Hvis jeg føler meg heldig, har jeg muligheten til å være lykkelig. Jeg tror det understreker det jeg prøver å si. Og jeg har aldri følt meg så heldig som jeg gjør etter å ha sett verden.

               
know yourself                              .

                 In this moment







Jeg ser på alle mennesker som suser avgårde, og jeg lurer på hva de skal, og hva de tenker. Alle lever vi i vår egen boble, hvor det vi holder på med er en selvfølge. Vi er klar over at andre tenker annerledes enn det vi gjør selv. Men at det resulterer i en helt annen atferd enn den vi selv har, det finner vi ikke hjemmel for. Vi lar oss på idiotisk vis forbløffe hvis noen har tenkt likt som oss, når det i bunn og grunn er et indirekte krav vi har til andre. Vi sier at vi aldri ville gjort sånn som han eller henne, men vi glemmer at det å sette seg inn i en annens situasjon i praksis er 100% umulig. Vi tar en snarvei, og kommer til den slutningen at vi identifiserer oss med den andre, eller ikke, og gir sympati ut i fra det. Jeg tror det er sjelden å tenke; jeg skjønner ingenting av de valgene han tar, men han har min fulle sympati.

Det er derfor det er fint å reise. Man ser små glimt av andre liv. Man kan ikke forstå folk hele tida, men man kan kanskje vite hvorfor man ikke gjør det. Jeg tror man har det bedre selv også, hvis man kommer til den erkjennelsen at folk flest gjør så godt de kan. Det gjør verden enda mer urettferdig, men kanskje lysere likevel, fordi det må bety at det er sult og nød som skaper ondskap, og ikke mennesket selv. Selv om vi veit at det finnes nok av eksempler på at det på langt nær gjelder alle.

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
Take a look at yourself and then make the change

Jeg tenkte på en annen ting også, knytta til det her. Jeg tror man får mye gratis av å jobbe i helsevesenet. Realiteten i hverdagen er beinhard noen ganger. Vi har ikke tall på hvor mange mennesker vi har sett dø. Man får automatisk et perspektiv på sin egen helse, og jeg tror alle vi som jobber på medisin 3 veit hva det vil si å ha det ille. Tenk hvor mange jobber man kan ha, hvor man aldri bli tvunget til å tenke gjennom hvor heldige vi er som er friske. Og ikke bare det, tenk hvor mange jobber du kan ha, hvor all din energi blir brukt på for eksempel å skulle presentere de nyeste moteklærne på en måte som gjør at folk kjøper dem. Tenk deg at det er dette du gjør hver dag. Hvordan finne de kuleste klærne, hvordan selge best? Suksessbarometeret strekker seg fra godt salg til dårlig salg. Spekteret på sykehuset strekker seg fra liv til død. Hver dag når jeg går fra jobb tenker jeg; tenk at jeg kan vende ryggen til sykdom og død, og gå nedover gata, på vei til et bekymringsfritt hjem. Jeg bryr meg ikke så mye om jeg ikke har på meg det som er mest moteriktig. For bunnen av suksessbarometeret mitt er ikke dårlig klesstil slik media gjerne vil at vi skal føle. Bunnen er alvorlig sykdom, og død. Friske mennesker har mange ønsker. Syke mennesker har bare ett. Når du ser døden i øyet, sier det seg selv at du ikke legger så mye vekt på å tenke på en bukse på vei hjem fra jobb. Hvis man daglig står ovenfor syke mennesker, tror jeg det er mye lettere å ikke la seg vippe av pinnen av de typiske hverdagskrisene.  Å jobbe i helsevesenet er en glimrende mulighet til å bli lykkelig. Jeg har alltid syntes jobben min har vært meningsfull, men jeg tror ikke jeg har innsett hvor meningsfull den faktisk er. Og ikke bare det, i tillegg til å få et gratis perspektiv på sitt eget liv, får man muligheten til å hjelpe andre. Til tross for stramme budsjett har vi muligheten til å gjøre en forskjell for hvert og ett menneske. Hver eneste dag kan jeg bety enormt, bare ved å vise min omsorg. Jeg har sett på mitt eget yrke som lavrangs, til tross for at jeg har ment at det er en utrolig viktig jobb, men jeg veit med meg sjøl at jeg i sosiale sammenhenger ofte har skamma meg over å si at jeg er sykepleier. I Tibet gir man katta i klesstil og dyr sjampanje. I Tibet er det status å være snill. Jeg kan med hånda på hjertet si at jeg i Tibet,  har vært enormt stolt over yrket mitt.



Only the purest of heart can feel it's pain.
And in between, the rest of us struggle.

Jeg har fundert på litt av hvert det siste halve året. Det jeg har fundert mest på, er:

- hvorfor menneskene er slemme
- hvordan man kan være snill mot mennesker som ikke er noe snille mot en
- hvordan man kan bli lykkelig

Mitt avsluttende innlegg blir derfor de tankene jeg har gjort meg om dette. Jeg har etter hvert endel engelske lesere, og har derfor skrevet det på engelsk. 

Jeg lukker et øye, og ser halvt
Jeg lukker begge, og ser alt

Why are tibetans so kind?
So I return to this issue again, why are tibetans so loving and caring? Obviously the Buddhism plays a great part in it. I don't really believe in the reincarnation, but I was thinking one thing about it. Buddha was a genious for bringing this into peoples lives. Maybe he never believed in it himself, but that his main target was to create a society in great harmony, where people acted compassionate towards each other. Anyway, this must be one of the main factors in explaining why Tibetans are so caring. But I don't think its enough with that. I think even though you want to achieve good merit and kharma, it doesn't mean that you have to be that interested in a foreigner. As long as you bring no harm to her, and maybe help her with basic things, that would be enough. You can earn your merit through other actions. One should think that when meeting a wealthy foreigner like me, feelings like jealousy and bitterness will arouse. And that just focusing their pursuit of merit on some other actions would be far more easy. This was however not the case. They did so much more for me then I ever dreamed of. So I started to look for other solutions to help me explain why these people where so much more caring than all other strangers I have met.

It seems that they have a strong believe in human kind. They believe that every soul is genuinly good, and that everyone can become a good person with the right training. And even more interesting, they believe that compassionate actions leads to happiness, that compassionate beings tend to be more satisfied with their lives. So did they embrace me because it made them feel more happy? I don't know. But I somehow get so incredibly touched by this. I feel that they are expressing what I always wanted to believe, but couldn't bring myself to say out loud in terror of being stupidly naiv. They actually believe that people are not selfish. And in every way they act, they make a stronger foundation of their point. 

Returning to the issue of how to communicate with people from different backgrounds, I think one of the main methods is right in front of us now. That love opens the gate to where you can truly communicate with people. 

It's the key to how to relate to all human beings! 

No diamonds for me dear

I leave them for you

This time I've been given

is all I have too

And love is so fragile

I'll loose anyhow

I know diamonds are forever

But love is now

The killer in me
 is the killer in you,
my love.

How can we be nice to people who are not nice to us?
Travelling in Cambodia made me think about this. The poor people in some parts of that country, is with almost no exceptions, trying to rip you off. Seeing their houses, I can totally understand why. So how do you act to create a positive relationship with a person who is trying to steal from you? As I was wondering how I can do this, I thought about what reasons they have to behave the way they do. Obviously they are driven by strong needs, living their lives in poverty, and perhaps would I do the same thing to be able to send my children to school. But that's not the point. The interesting thing is, they don't steal from each other, even though they can always find someone in their community that has more than themselves. Allthough there is plenty of biases here, I was thinking this has something to do with identification. I think we  tend to feel more symphaty towards and relation with those who have behaviour patterns that we recognize in ourself. There are evidence found that we tend to help people who we can identify ourselves with. And Cambodians do not identify themselves with Europeans. Like the European did not identify themselves with the Africans, and easily sold them as slaves. Nor did the Germans identify themselves with the Jews. So does this mean, that if we don't have a conscious attitude on behaving compassionate, we will lack compassion whenever we lack a sense of identification? 

Hvor mye tror du at du har til felles med denne kvinnen?

If it is true that we need to feel a sense of identification to feel compassion, and I return to my question on whether I can create a positive relationship with someone trying to steal from me, the answer will have to be that I make this person see in what ways we are the same. The moment he or she feels that we are much alike, I think the person is less likely to want to harm me. And how can I make Cambodians see that we are the same? I think that can happen through compassionate actions! Hence the principle of seeing ourselves as kind and good hearted, we will experience to have something in common with someone acting compassionate towards us. Maybe Billy Corgan had a huge point, saying "disarm you with a smile". Humans may be selfish, and take advantage of someone acting compassionate, but I still think that this kind of behaviour inevitably will create a feeling of having something in common. This might be very obvious to you, but I think in everyday life, people tend to put this aside, because their feeling of anger might be overwhelming, or they lack patience. We are doubtlessly complex beings, but sometimes I'm surprised how simple reactions we have. How predictable a lot of our actions are. We tend to attribute our negative actions to external factors, and our positive achievements to inner personal traits, in order to protect our self confidence. For example, if you are late for work, this is absolutely explainable. It is not because you are lazy, or have a bad attitude towards your co workers. It's because you had trouble sleeping last night, you had a flat tire or your bus was late. All external factors, and has nothing to do with your qualities. If you had trouble sleeping it was probably because you had a very good reason to be worried about something. If someone else sleep late, you might think they went to bed too late, or if their bus was late you might think they should have gotten on the earlier bus to be sure they had enough time, and attribute their behaviour to laziness or bad attitude. Internal factors. These are simple mechanisms that sometimes can keep us from truly understanding and communicating with another person. In our struggle to maintain our own integrity and confidence we shut out the other person. By reminding ourselves of these mechanisms, we might be able to give it a better approach. But I don't think this alone is enough. My own struggle to maintain my integrity is inextricably tied to the existence of others, so the aspect of comparison will be very difficult to avoid. I have to ask myself; who am I, if there are no one else? What are MY qualities? Am I intelligent just in comparison with certain people, and not intelligent in comparison with others? Does my intelligence have a value in its own, or would it be non excisting without the prescence of others? Do our traits and qualities and strengths become visible only with the existence of others? If everybody was equally intelligent, we would not talk about intelligence as a quality. If this is true, it has to be extremely difficult to see your own qualities regardless of other peoples qualities. Without other people, there is no way to measure who you are. And no wonder we develop these attribution mechanisms.
So how is it possible to try to gain self confidence by telling yourself that you are intelligent, beautiful and funny, and that these are qualities you actually inhabit, when these terms lack a meaning unless compared with another persons qualities. The reason why this interest me so much, is because I believe that self confidence and who we feel that we are plays a great part in how we interact with others. These attribution mechanisms who devalue others occurs because we struggle to maintain self confidence, and it keeps us from fully understanding others. And human beings might not harm each other that much, if self confidence was something we inhabited naturally, regardless of qualities, something we didn't have to struggle to achieve. 

In girum imus nocte et consumimur igni

How can we be happy?
So, most important thing last. How can we be happy? Like I told you before, I think you have to feel lucky to feel happy. But how can you feel lucky every day? How can you always remember life is a gift? There will be times when you feel that life is unfair. And that feeling will keep you from feeling good. Someone treated you bad. It's not fair. Life is not going the way you planned. The thought of having enough food is not excactly helping, when you had a big argument with your husbond or you feel like a failure at work, and you are surrounded with successful people. You may be lucky compared to cambodians, but not lucky compared to everyone around you. You don't feel lucky in this society. So how can we cope with this? I have done some serious thinking on this issue. I have left to see how all my thoughts will work out when I go on with my life. But I have landed on one big revelation. Life is full of suffering. It doesn't matter where you live or how much you have. The suffering in life is indispensable. If you live in Cambodia, the suffering in life is likely to be closely related to the struggle for basic needs. If you live in Norway, the suffering in life is likely to be related to issues like self realization or lack of self confidence. Nevertheless; life will contain suffering. There is no way to avoid this. This is human nature. We can never be completely satisfied. Imagine that you write a list of all your problems. Then someone miraculously solve them for you. One year after, you are asked to write a list again. Do you think there will be a year where your list is empty? My point is, most situations in life has a negative aspect. If we spend all our energy worrying about small problems, we will feel a lot more discomfort than we have to. Because new ones will come, like spring leaves on a tree. If you avoid one source of pain, you will face another. So I think what we need to do, is to expect that there will be discomforts in our lifes. Sometimes I think people in our western society grow up thinking that life will be full of joy, and that there it not suppoused to be that much problems. 200 years ago people gave birth to 6 children because they expected at least one of them to die. Now we feel like a failure if we don't get the good grades, cannot afford to buy a new car, cannot loose weigth or need to see a psychiatrist. There is a lot of depression in western society, even though we have more rescources, time and technology than all other human beings in the history. I think this is because we do not expect suffering, and when suffering comes, we feel disappointment and surprise and we feel unsuccessfull. So what I think is important, is that we see that these problems and disapointments that we can sum up as suffering is not something that went wrong. They are an unavoidable and very natural part of the life we live. And we have to expect them! If I feel that my everyday stress is one of my biggest problems, this means that my life is fairly well. I would never see everyday stress as suffering if I just found out that my diabetes caused me a wound that means I have to amputate my left leg. Then I would start to think about all the mountain hikes I want to go for, that I can no longer perform. What I mean is that everyday stress is not nice, but it is a very fortunate way to suffer. I don't think that any human being in the history of human beings has lived a life with such a trifling range of suffering as we do. And even in this apparently carefree everyday life we experience discomfort. Discomforts that a person growing up in Cambodia would never ever recognize as a source of pain. I think this very clearly shows us that human beings can never avoid suffering. But we can still be happy! By not seeing suffering as a defeat, by not meeting suffering with surprise, by not seeing suffering as something that was not meant to come to you. It is not unfair to suffer. It is unavoidable. And if my suffering in life is having anxiety problems, feeling everyday life as stressfull, having small breasts and knowing that some people talk bad about me behind my back, than I think my ticket in this life was a very fortunate one. 

So, again, I feel lucky. And, again, I feel so happy...

Grappa. En av det vestlige livets lidelser;)

Tusen takk til alle mine lesere! Det har vært et fantastisk halvår. Jeg har sett, opplevd og lært enormt. Det har vært utelukkende positivt å få blogge. Tenk at noe sånt skulle skje med meg!;) Til de som tror at alle de dikta er fra Twin Peaks, så er det ikke det, det er stort sett mine egne dikt. Jeg håper ikke dette ble min siste tur. Jeg drømmer om å reise til Canada, Mongolia, Russland, Jordan og Fransk Polynesia. Jeg drømmer om å reise tilbake til nord USA og Tibet, og kanskje New Zealand. Men det blir vel lenge til neste gang jeg kan være borte så lenge. Kanskje jeg kan dra på noen kortere turer. Uansett, jeg lever lenge på dette. Turen er ikke over. Den er en del av meg. 

TAKK!

Etter den mørke natten kommer den lyse dagen

og alt er som hvisket ut

men jeg vet

Jeg vet hva som skjedde

We live in hope of deliverance from the darkness that surrounds us

Please would you stay a minute to share my pain 

There's a viscious man with axe, killing people in mye brain 

Is this person just like me, or the devil in disguise? 

in horror of myself, I won't close my eyes

Shut your eyes and you'll burst into fire

Open mouth but not open mind

Blackness, flowing from your eyes, from your nose, from your mouth

This was me

A grey image with five black holes of evil

But who am I to be burning among everyone

When they all burn to be me

I met this girl when I was three years old

She stared from the grove, and she didn't smile

She closened up and her look was cold

She followed me around like a mother with her child

An hour of weakness when my girl is near

The confusement of fear did cut like a knife

A moment of silence was a moment of fear

Breathing my air I gave life to her life

I woke up in horror and I realized

they were holding a mirror for me to see

I saw her smile in the black of my eyes

And I realized the viscious girl was me

As I walk through a room I feel her prescence near

I'm so scared of a girl I know isn't there

My eyes turn black and my skin turns grey

Oh God please make her go away

Jeg drømte om å komme til Tibet. Jeg drømte om å finne noen som på magisk vis kunne fjerne alt det onde. Jeg drømte at når det skjedde, når den tunge byrden ble borte, så skulle kroppen bli så lett at jeg i et øyeblikk ble vektløs. I drømmen var det helt hvitt rundt oss, og når jeg kom gående mot munken, la han fingertuppene på skuldrene mine, og de bare føttene mine lettet en centimeter fra bakken. Jeg har lest om at noen av munkene kan fly. Jeg har aldri sett det. Jeg har drømt om det så lenge jeg kan huske. Da jeg var 9 år fantaserte jeg om den tibetanske munken som skulle få alt det vonde til å bli borte. Men da jeg stod på fjellet sammen med Jimpa, skjønte jeg at det var dette som skulle bli drømmen. Ingen kan trylle bort ondskap. Men ved å vise at ondskap bare finnes hvis vi lar det få plass, opplevde jeg noe jeg var livredd for å aldri få oppleve. Menneskene er ikke slemme. De er snille. Det onde ble ikke tryllet bort på magisk vis. Det forsvant med vinden, da jeg stod på det fjellet, og et fremmed menneske tok meg i handa og sa at et helt land skulle hjelpe meg. Målet var nådd. Jeg var på toppen av verden. Jeg har aldri følt meg så lykkelig. Jeg hadde begge beina på bakken. Men inni meg svevde jeg. Jimpa sa, "Now I feel like I can fly". Jeg kan ikke tro at han sa det.

I unwrapped the plastic

And opened my eyes

You've seen my journey into a world of people

I stood on the mountain

Where love swept me off my feet

This is my deliverence from the darkness

This is me walking into the light

It's the story of many

But it begins with one, and I know her

And I want to see her shimry gloom

I search for her in every room

So now I've travelled place to place

And looked for her in every face

Then suddenly 

I turn to see

She's standing there so perfectly

 She's everything I dreamed to be

And then I know, it's me

 - ANJA -